I NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH

My third ten day Vipassana retreat is just around the corner. I've just picked out my retreat outfit and I am r e a d y to go – this is the shirt I'll be wearing for the entire stay. And although it might seem a bit strange and not very Vipassana-like, it's really best that I wear it everyday. To avoid any misconceptions. So when you see me in line for lunch beaming with love and equanimity, like I always do, and you automatically think 'Wow she must have attained really high states', like people always do, my shirt will quickly sort it out for you.

It's easy to embark on a spiritual journey thinking that you're gonna be the good yogi. I mean, what's the point of being a yogi if you're not gonna be the good one? It’s a demanding path. It’s not exactly an evening class you sign up for to chit chat with others over coffee cake, potentially meet a new fling and that brings a diploma by the end of three months. This isn’t it. So you wanna make sure that you are the really good yogi, the one that has the capacity to make it until the end. The one who’s got what it takes. And I'm no exception to that. But then that very easily builds your new ego. And as we know about ego, the problem with it is that it tends to create very confined spaces. So the problem isn’t being a good yogi. The problem is how you define a ’good yogi’.

Because at the same time, while you're there at a course and things start to get tough, while having a very limited idea of what a 'good yogi' means, it's suddenly easy to assume that everyone in the meditation hall is doing 'better' than you. At least that's what I do. And I'm telling you; the combination of those two ideas is a car crash in slow motion. It’s a splatter movie.

Everyone else is a half breath from attaining full Nibbana...

and I'm over here like.

Try to sit for ten consecutive days with that feeling. I'm just saying. It's even painful to witness from a safe distance. (I know this because I had witnesses and they told me. )

So this time around I need to scan my whole psyche and make sure that I don't have any terrible beliefs like that still lurking in the background somewhere. This time, my expectations are so low that I don't think I'll be any more equanimous than Britney in her glorious 2007.

For a short while I entertained the idea of wearing the Britney t-shirt to the retreat. It just would have been fun to sit there with the t-shirt surrounded by a bunch of new 'good yogis' who think that a peaceful course is a sign of progress. You know the type; the ones who have it all figured out already because they gained all the world's wisdom through their most recent career burnout. But such apparels are of course not allowed. You're there to just go inwardly and blend in, to be absolutely nobody. And the need to make any kind of statement would just be an expression of ego and could potentially disturb others. Although, at the last course there was this old lady who had a shirt with a small text that said ”More fries” on it. I wouldn’t say it disturbed me. And I don’t think she was expressing her ego but what do I know.

However, it's not entirely clear if the motive for wearing the t-shirt would be to challenge all the 'good yogis' as much as just be an important note-to-self. To work as a mental air bag in case of that car crash. In case I have one of those 'good yogis' still lingering in the shadows of my psyche somewhere. Because after all, the only mind I'm there to watch is my own.